Five (pretty terrible) holiday movies I’m totally watching this month.

catThe twinkling lights are up. The tinsel tree is decorated, glowing orange, red, blue and green under the slow churn of the color wheel. The Elvis lamp is donning a Santa beard and Godzilla is attacking our snowy miniature Christmas village. Oh yes, it’s Christmastime at our house!

And along with our (kinda weird) decorations, we celebrate the season with holiday-themed films. The Grinch, you say? Of course. But in addition to traditional Christmas classics, we seek out some of the more obscure, lower quality and less long-lasting holiday fare, and lucky for you, I’m sharing our 2018 holiday move hit list with you!

Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

Who can resist a made-for-TV movie featuring America’s most cantankerous feline? Uh, I can’t. Thanks to the Lifetime channel, we can bask in the glory that is Aubrey Plaza (April from Parks & Rec) voicing the beloved grumpy cat as it does such things as sit on a pillow in a mall pet store communicating telepathically with a preteen girl and shooting paintballs from a semi-automatic weapon. Hells. Yeah. Seriously. How can you resist? You can’t. Just give in.

The GingerDead Man (2005)

“In a quiet bakery, one woman is about to confront her past…” which is Academy Award nominee Gary Busey reincarnated as a bloodthirsty gingerbread man. This concept is so awesome, it’s thus far spawned sequels with subtitles such as “Bakery of Blood,” “Passion of the Crust,” “Saturday Night Clever,” and “Gingerdead Man vs. The Evil Bong.” Make that money, Gary Busey. Make it rain!

The Hebrew Hammer (2003)

Did you know that “Jewsploitation” was a film genre? Well, you do now. This gripping Shaft-esque,1970s-style spoof will keep you dipping into the popcorn bowl, quivering on the edge of your sofa cushion, hoping and praying Adam Goldberg’s (Dazed and Confused) Mordechai Jefferson Carver can save Hanukkah from Andy Dick.

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

If ever there was an argument against mountaintop removal mining, this is it. Blow up the wrong hill and you might accidentally release Santa Claus, who is a super strong, bloodthirsty jerk who’s way more into killing naughty people than dropping toys down chimneys. This holiday horror story from Finland is a little too dark and scary for the kids. The elves aren’t cute or cheerful, and by the end, you’ll certainly think twice about visiting Santa at the mall.


A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas (2012)

Because at this point, why the hell not? And, it’s marginally less offensive than the “Power Rangers Megaforce: The Robo Knight Before Christmas, Robo Santa in Africa” TV special that the kids picked out. Woah boy…

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